I want to tell you an anecdote from my time as a Chemistry student.
In the first semester, I was very insecure, internally fractured and dependent on external validation. I had my own principles, yes. But in your average social situation, I had zero confidence in myself.
“Am I acting normal? Oh shit, they already hate me. Why am I so weird? This always happens!”
You get the gist.
For the most part, I was aware of that pattern, but had no clue how to heal it. To a certain extent, I let the world push me around while resentment and hatred grew inside me. And this had been going on since kindergarten.
Until one day, I hit my inner, “Hell no.”
It was lab day. The instructor walked around, checking on everyone’s work. From the first time this 40+ year old guy saw me in the auditorium, he did a double take and kept making extended eye-contact, so I was already stressed about his intentions because, at that time, 99% of men scared me. I’ve never had a boyfriend and zero experience with romantic relationships.
So, I’d taken some substances I needed from the lab helper a few minutes ago, and the flask was still at my (and two other women’s) bench.
The instructor asked me something about it, I don’t remember what exactly, but it sounded accusatory and like I’d done something wrong.
I had a huge “good student” pattern from school. Doing something “wrong” in the eyes of a teacher was the worst thing that could happen to me.
Adrenaline surged through my body. I literally couldn’t hold myself in that moment and freaked out, raising my hands and voice like, “I don’t know! I just took this from where we were supposed to!”
Immediately, I felt the truth of, “Oh no. You just let him destabilise you. Now he thinks you’re weak.”
And he knew it, too. Men react to energy.
I literally saw how his posture and facial expression changed as he reassessed and recategorised me from “She’s aloof and standoffish,” to “Oh, that’s just a cover! She’s insecure and malleable!”
This was a wordless communication and vibe shift. And I’m glad I felt it immediately because the following months with him would’ve been terrifying otherwise.
I hit that solid spot of, “No. I’m not weak. I’m not your toy. You caught me off-guard and it won’t happen again.” I pulled my energy back in and he left shortly after.
But I’d put a target on myself.
And I took responsibility for it. I’d opened the rift, so only I could close it.
I soon found out that this guy cheated on his ex-wife with a student and I was even more alert.
For a while, he just lingered and made the occasional comment which I barely reacted to. Then shortly before Christmas, the lab workers organised a meet-up with alcohol and sweets, and for students to chat with doctors and assistants.
Back then, 22 years-old, I was allergic to such events. You couldn’t have bribed me with money to go there. Big, fat “Hell no!”
So at the end of lab day, I’m packing up and aiming for a quick exit.
It’s in vain because the instructor’s already by our bench, making small talk with the others, meaning I’m waiting for an extended pause in the conversation to slip away. And eventually I do say my farewell like, “Well, I’m off. Happy holidays!” and head for the door.
He did not expect that and starts after me. “You’re leaving? But we have wine!”
“I don’t drink alcohol.”
“But we also have chocolate cookies!”
“I don’t like those either.” (Truth, chocolate wreaks havoc in my gut.)
“Oh… Well then…”
I left, and after my surprise at his pushiness and insistence settled, I realised I’d corrected the frame.
I hadn’t complied. I had been completely solid in what I wanted—which was to leave.
No “Oh, fine, just five minutes.”
No “What if I refuse and he’ll show his anger by giving me bad grades!? I better stay.”
None of that.
Didn’t even cross my mind, actually. I had to make those up as I wrote just now.
I passed Christmas in peace, satisfied with how I’d held myself in that situation. In a group setting, no less! For me, this was a step further into my power. Again: I’d never had a boyfriend, had no idea about men or male-female dynamics, nothing. I thought I was asexual, actually.
So because I was young and on an ego trip, I thought, “You know what? Why don’t I experiment with this situation. Let’s see what happens if I dress up nice and put on a bit of make-up.”
You could say I was playing with fire.
That afternoon, I ditched the messy bun and ratty sweaters for a dutch braid, tight shirt and tighter jeans as I went to the lecture hall. The effect was immediate. I even got him to stutter and blush by making extended eye-contact.
(This afternoon was also the first time I made eye-contact with my trauma bond to-be when he peeked into the room, but that’s another story.)
In other words, I was now sold on this whole flirting and power-play thing. Especially since this inappropriate situation was ideal for my avoidant attachment style: I’m not even attracted to this middle-aged man, so why not have some fun teasing for once in my life? I hadn’t had any chance to during school, after all.
Would I still do this now? No. But this phase of my life was necessary.
In the second semester, the first class we had with the Instructor wasn’t in the lab, but in one of the lecture halls. I’d attached myself to another group of students and we were getting along well for the most part, so I sat among them. Next to me was the ‘leader’ of the group and he asked the Instructor something I don’t remember anymore, then turned to me with a smile and a lighthearted comment. In response, I smiled back.
The Instructor did not like seeing that exchange. His frown and the back-and-forth of his gaze between us said as much.
In the weeks that followed, the guy I’d sat next to mentioned how the Instructor’s behaviour towards him had changed. “I think I pissed him off somehow. He’s super mean to me all of a sudden.”
Didn’t surprise me.
I also wasn’t surprised that the Instructor’s previous cockiness towards me had completely vanished. He didn’t treat me like a toy like I’d feared he would after my freak-out. What little we did interact, he talked respectfully.
That’s basically how this story ends because I’d soon become obsessed with one of his superiors and paid zero attention to him anymore.
(Yes, I’m Jyeshta Moon in Vedic astrology. Yes, I’m aware of how obsession is a huge part of that placement. Yes, it will come up again in the next story.)
This whole plot actually primed me for the smack-down I’d experience just three months later. I needed to dabble in male-female dynamics, feel into my boundaries around men, how to hold myself in the moment and be present with the energetic dynamics of a situation.
Most importantly, I learned that I can set a frame, and I can also change it at will. Men respond to my energy at any given moment. By focusing on my inner stability and my desires, I’m setting up a clear field of “Yes” and “No” for men to navigate in. Normal men aren’t unpredictable—they just need clarity.
For a socially stunted woman, these insights are profound.
I gained a lot of confidence through this experience, so wherever that guy is right now, I wish him well and I'm grateful his soul chose to play that part with me in his lifetime.
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