With everything I’ve learned and embodied in all these years, I’ve untangled the energetics of everything that happened. And in 10 years, I might look back on this chapter with an even more refined perspective.
To recap:
In 2018, my energetic system was tightly closed. I could literally feel this tension and rigidity under my skin at all times, as well as the boiling volcano under the crust. I reminisced on my child self, how unafraid and social I used to be. I used to be big and energetic, but after years of conditioning and bullying, I had no idea how to return to who I really am.
I tried. I’d researched psychology, attachment styles, personality types etc. since my teenage years, desperate for an answer on how to fit in. I just wanted to be normal. To be liked. To belong.
What I didn’t know was that those mental models wouldn’t change my internal wiring. Learning information from a video is useless here unless you have a high energy embodiment practice to work with your nervous system as well.
Or, like in my case, life presents you with a high energy situation/person to crack the crust.
On an energetic(!) level, my closed feminine system had been calling in a lot of masculine pressure to get me to open. This had been happening even before my trauma bond. This looked like boys/men grabbing at or touching me, physically hurting me, being pushy, setting their friends up to talk to me when I ignored their advances, all sorts of stuff that terrified me.
I didn’t understand why they just couldn’t leave me alone. Soon enough I was completely uninterested in men. As a teen, I was sure I must be a lesbian because women felt safe, comfortable and nourishing whereas men just felt gross, dangerous and violating.
Basically, I refused any form of masculine penetrative energy. Not from a grounded ‘No, I’m not into you as an individual’, but from a ‘I’m scared of this, but I also kinda want it’ place.
Because there’s a huge difference in having an open nervous system and standing in your ‘No’, and just being collapsed and tight and closed.
Being energetically closed calls in as much external pressure as necessary to force an opening.
Your choices from a closed, scared, scarce place are very different from your choices from an open, expanded, abundant place.
Also: ‘Open’ doesn’t mean fantasising about a better life, reciting affirmations or saying, “I’m totally open for great experiences!” I used to do that all the time without avail because my nervous system wasn’t impacted at all. I was still tightly wound.
‘Open’ is a physical and energetic state that feels like space is being created inside of you. It’s embodied. You can feel your tissues letting go of their grip. That signals an energetic ability to receive.
In 2018, I wasn’t open at all, so I called in more and more pressure until I met my trauma bond.
I’m very grateful that it took comparatively little pressure for me to open because I’m aware I could’ve called in a ton of more force.
A big factor in my ability to open was that he didn’t scare me at all. Not for a single second. He was the first man I allowed to energetically penetrate my defences because he felt safe, even when I thought he was single (because him being married added additional safety for my avoidant tendencies. A taken man was off-limits, so I didn’t need to be super vulnerable).
Contrary to mainstream understanding of masculine-feminine dynamics, the feminine is the one who leads with her embodied discernment and creativity while the masculine is the executive force that brings stability and structure. This dynamic plays out in every individual human, too. We all have a masculine and a feminine pole. They’re not necessarily balanced though.
The feminine offers an invitation and the masculine chooses to respond.
When he and I first met, I was the one who sent out a call. Eye-contact and a smile may not seem like a big deal, and it generally isn’t, but my energetic state (or vibe) also transmitted attraction.
So why did he respond?
Another man certainly wouldn’t have. There were more than enough men on campus and none of them were interested in me.
Long story short, he just happened to be attracted to me in return, for whatever reason. From what I observed, a mixture of his own parental trauma and genuine physical chemistry.
Because there actually existed a biological compatibility between us. He was the first man who smelled pleasant to me and whose body exerted magnetism on mine.
And just because most of my parts refused to entertain the idea of sleeping with him doesn’t mean all of them did.
I remember entering the bathroom one time after class and I got this sudden download of, “He and I will have sex.”
The physical clunk of it terrified me. It felt like truth.
‘No! I won’t fuck a married man! Are you crazy!?’
But my chaos part was super down for it. The dark feminine. Kali. Whatever you want to call her. She didn’t care about any external obstacles like morals or his marriage status or how incompatible we were. She just cared about the sexual aspect.
See, the truth is multifaceted. That’s why it’s so important to integrate our fractures and become whole. Because when your inner addict wants to get blackout drunk, your inner children cling to your ex who beat you, one part wants to be a millionaire, the next wants to settle down with a healthy partner, and some others are undecided, how the hell could you discern truth?
And let me tell you, my inner chaos isn’t happy that I didn’t fuck him, or at least didn’t try.
And I can’t just ignore her here! I have to fully feel her desire and allow it to exist. It’s like parenting. “I see you. I know you’re upset. But you’re not in charge and I made a decision that aligned with what’s best for everyone, not just you.” This is also a great lesson in holding discomfort because constantly chasing pleasure isn’t truth, it’s a dissociation mechanism to distract from pain.
Sexual energy is healing. It’s transformative, whether you have sex or not.
By opening to his masculine penetrative energy, letting it enter and churn my nervous system, I received an immense amount of healing. Just by being in his energetic field on a regular basis!
Was it uncomfortable? Of course! I had no idea my teeth and gums could hurt like that, not to mention the involuntary shaking and coldness and nausea etc.
My body constantly released trauma in his presence. My nervous system learned to regulate itself in the face of his high sensation, high intensity field. That’s why I felt so depleted and full after spending 6 hours at his house and needed days to digest. I had no choice but to build the capacity to hold myself.
Unknowingly, of course.
My mind had no idea what was going on! For the longest time afterwards, I deduced my “anxiety” around him meant my body knew he’s a terrible partner for me. And while that’s not wrong, it’s not what was actually happening. Because when I saw him from afar afterwards (which happened a handful of times), I felt no charge. This isn’t surprising because I’ve expanded my capacity to hold sensation immensely, for example with regular SXBMB™practice. I’ve integrated so much of my parental trauma that he registers as ‘neutral’ to my system.
That’s why I didn’t remain obsessed with him. Some people never get over limerence. Let me promise you: you will, if you heal your body and your nervous system. It might take a few years, but you can’t not heal. One step at a time.
However! When I talked to him that final time, he didn't feel neutral, but dulled. Like he'd been spending his overbrimming sexual energy. He'd filled the room the first time I saw him, before we ever met, but now all of that buzz was gone. So my intuition tells me he either fucked or jerked off a couple times.
Whew! What a ride!
My practice for you is to let this whole story actually sink in.
Don't let your mind spin around trying to find where you can relate to this in your own life experiences.
Just breathe and try to dive below the story layer, the people involved, the entertainment value.
This story isn't about me, specifically. This could've happened to anyone! I'm not telling you all this so you can feel sorry for me or say, "omg so real wow stunning" or other shit like that.
I'm sharing this because there's potent fucking medicine in this transmission.
I'm sharing this because it's a service.
You think my ego wanted me to tell you all this? Hell no! This whole series is vulnerable as hell!
So don't relate to this from your rescuer or wounding or any other part that's not a responsible adult.
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