I had this hurt little girl part in me which attracted and latched onto unavailable men.
Whether married or way older or my age and engaging in power struggles, that childhood wound spotted those men a mile away. It’s that “!” moment when someone catches the eye and you feel an inexplicable pull towards them.
I’d never let them know. I’d play the game of “hot and cold”, never letting anyone get close, keeping tight control over every interaction. My dissociated, closed fractures transformed every hint of inner heat into ice.
Five years ago, I recognized this pattern as a cover to avoid feeling the pain of abandonment and unlovableness. The “You’re not good enough for real love, so don’t even try.”
Isn’t it much more fun to entertain yourself in the drama of choosing people who are not for you, who don’t really see you?
It’s so much safer than delving into the core wound where sensations are intense, where the grief is waiting for your attention.
That grief is what led me to embodiment. It was the catalyst.
When I was 22, I had a trauma bond with a man, and the experience blew my nervous system open.
It wasn’t fun.
It wasn’t entertaining.
It was my higher self giving me the 1000 Watt version by sending me into that man’s presence. “You want to feel sensation by obsession, fear and uncertainty? Have at it!”
And boy, did I ever.
It was a rollercoaster of tears, vomit, diarrhea, sleeplessness and uncontrollable shaking for 6 months. My body had no capacity to hold any of it, but the connection to truth inside me knew I couldn’t run away from it either, so I faced every sensation, surrendering under their intensity—because back then, that kind of pressure was necessary for my body to open at all.
It was the first time in my life I let a man know I liked him. It was the first time I opened my heart that much—just a creak.
I didn’t want to do it.
My body rebelled, shook, shat and almost fainted.
But I did do it. I went against the ingrained story of my traumas. I broke the pattern of not letting myself be vulnerable. I saw beyond the story and felt the energetic underneath and how to cut it open.
That evening, I chose to expand my soul. I chose the scariest, but also truest, option.
I changed my life.
Because this wasn’t about him. He was a template, and there would come many others like him if I didn’t intercept the pattern right then and there.
“I’m done with this pattern. I see it now. I’ve finally learned my lesson.”
In the next years, I’d come across a few men who gave me that same “!” moment. Now I recognized the physical signs, the energetic imprint of the pattern, and immediately said, “I’m not choosing that anymore.” And they fell away.
During my vacation last week, there was a man at the hotel who resembled the one I met when I was 22. Physically, energetically. Even his wife had similarities with the other one’s.
Obviously this was a test.
The way the pattern always began is by the man completely ignoring me and thus triggering that wound which cries for attention. And true to script, I wasn’t on this man’s radar at all. It was the perfect set-up, too. At a hotel where the chance of running into him was high, where my old self would’ve obsessed over figuring out his schedule, choosing routes to walk by him, entering his field in every possible way.
I didn’t even think of doing any of that until I had to remember what my old self would’ve done as I wrote this paragraph just now.
That’s how far away that pattern is.
Here’s what my current self did: I thought, “Oh, that’s a pretty good trick, universe! Great set-up. I’m not choosing that pattern anymore though.”
And the universe was pretty insistent about testing me, too. I did share his space a couple times like during a swim in the pool or at the bar when he and his wife were either already there or came later.
Still not pulling for his attention. Still staying in my body. Observing where that little girl wound used to be and how she feels so seen by me, so held by me, so acknowledged by me, that she doesn’t need to cry for unavailable mens’ attention anymore.
There was no tension. The energy was neutral. I didn’t participate in the game anymore. It’s over.
I don’t attract unavailable men anymore and I don’t latch onto them either.
This freedom’s available to everyone.
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