Nightmares used to be a common occurrence for me.
This distressed me to varying degrees, depending on their severity and how much time had passed since I last had one.
The themes were repetitive. Being chased by some creature or monster that’d get all up in my face, making my look at its horribleness. My subconscious craved to release all the subconscious fear I held in my system, so horror stories and audiobooks became a regular part of my entertainment.
“Entertainment.”
I just scared myself and my mind pumped my body for fear-related hormones.
I used high intensity sensations to dissociate and keep me adrenalized to avoid slowing down and feel into what was real in my body. I was addicted to this for ten years. I’d put on headphones and fall asleep as I listened to creepypastas, which would guarantee a nightmare and sleep paralysis.
As miserable as this made me, part of me enjoyed the self-induced terror.
What I didn’t enjoy at all were the non self-induced nightmares.
The ones which came out of nowhere. Where I’d wake up shaken and sweaty.
Over time, the addiction to horror fell away. I didn’t need to adrenalize when I made space to feel my body every day.
Joy, anger, fear, disgust, gratitude, love. The subtle sensations are sensational themselves. I don’t need to sledgehammer my way through my nervous system anymore, digging for intensity.
This showed up in my dreams as well.
And my dream-self is savage. My dream-self takes absolutely no shit from anyone or anything.
She’s feisty and vocal and has zero hesitation standing up for herself.
The last nightmare I had was last year. Picture a Pennywise-like balloon-headed monster stalking me in broad daylight at my nearest tram station. Usually, the sight would’ve scared the shit out of me.
But not this time.
This time, my dream-self went right up to that thing, a straight attack to its face, and destroyed it.
My dream-self battled it out like a warrior.
That transformed my subconscious.
Whatever had been mooching off my fear had gotten a beating that night. I haven’t seen it in my dreams since. And if it comes back, my dream-self knows to defend herself.
In the waking world however, I wasn’t half as savage. My body had (and has) yet to let go of more tension and conditioning.
It’s getting there.
I had a huge release of rage last night and today. My throat has so much space and its connection to the rest of my body is getting stronger.
While this spot is intoxicating and feels like power, it’s not.
After a lifetime of freezing and fawning, of course we must let ourselves have this phase of guttural screams, throwing pillows, and punching the air.
And I’m letting myself have it. This rage spot is open and ready for full expression. It feels amazing.
I also know that there’s so much grief below it. When the anger has been expressed fully, the time to feel the grief comes.
The energy changes first, the body changes last.
My subconscious slayed my demons before my body knew it could.
Be patient. You will see the transformation in reality.
Comments